Even After All This Time, I Still Love You
by GGAddict129
Summary: "I want you, Rufus. Right now," she got up and walked over to him and stared deep into his eyes and leaned forward to kiss him, but he dodged her. "You're drunk, Lil." "So what? That doesn't change the way I feel. I always feel this way about you.
1. Chapter 1

_This had been on my computer for while and I just found it. I really hope you enjoy it. I'm nearly finished. _

_I own nothing. _

_Please review. _

Rufus Humphrey stood in his bedroom, fixing the collar on his forest green button up shirt. He was patiently waiting for his date to arrive. It'd been a long time since he'd went out on a date. He was slightly jittery, but he was also excited. Upon hearing four knocks on the door, he walked to the front door to invite his company in.

"Bex, hello. Please come in," he grinned at her and gestured for her to enter.

"I'd love to, Rufus."

"You look absolutely stunning."

"Why thank you. So, man of mystery, where are you taking me tonight?" She asked with a flirtatious smirk.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He questioned teasingly, a grin playing on his face.

"Yes. I'm intrigued to see where you're taking me."

"Well, then let's head out." Rufus extended his arm and she linked her with his.

"Let's!" She smiled and they walked towards the door. As Rufus opened it, he saw none other than Lily standing there her hand raised ready to knock.

"Rufus—"She took a look at Rufus and Bex. Seeing how their arms were linked and the smiles on their faces, she stopped midsentence, "Oh. I'm interrupting something, aren't I?" She pursed her lips, frustrated. The jealousy in her was boiling over. It hurt her heart to see him with another woman, moving on. Yet, she knew she had no right to be upset. She had made her decision to get engaged to Bart. She had allowed him to walk away from her, again. She instantly bit back the tears that were building up in the corners of her eyes.

"Yes. You kind of are. What brings you here?" He was completely unnerved by her arrival. He hadn't seen her in weeks and she decides to show up here.

"It's nice to see you again, Bex," Lily said first, subconsciously dodging his question.

"Likewise, Lily," Bex replied with a confused smile plastered on her face.

Turning back to Rufus she answered his question. "I—uhm—just came to talk. Apparently, you're busy though. I should've called. I'll talk to you another time."

She walked out the door, rather hurriedly. She didn't want Rufus to know how much it hurt to see him with another woman. She just hadn't expected it to happen so quickly. She didn't know why she had come over here—well, she did. It was because she missed him, but still—.

Now, Rufus had known Lily for a long time. Long enough to sense that she was upset, but he did have a date with Bex, a woman he really liked. He knew he should go after, Lily, but how many times can you keep chasing somebody that doesn't want to be caught?

"You know Lily Van der Woodsen?" Bex asked curiously. In all honesty, seeing that interaction between him and Lily made her feel like there was something going on between them.

'Yes. Her daughter is dating my song, as a matter of fact. We've become friends."

When he said their children were dating, Bex grew very relieved.

"Shall we continue with our date?" Rufus asked.

"Let's!" Bex exclaimed with a smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, Lily sat in a bar a few streets down from Rufus's apartment. She couldn't face going home to an empty house. Bart was away on business, as usual. Serena and Eric were off gallivanting around New York with their friends. They didn't need her anymore. That's what killed her inside. No one needed her anymore. She had gone to see Rufus because she missed having him in her life. She hated to live without him. She'd done it for over twenty years, and honestly, it sucked. Lily just wanted to be friends with him. That was all she was searching for: an honest to god friendship. She missed calling him when she was having a Lily crisis. She had known that when she had gone to meet him and he didn't contact her after that, he had wanted some space. She had gotten his hopes up and then crushed them, but he didn't understand that she was hurt too. She was deeply hurt by her actions. But what else could she do? Could she deny Serena her happiness? Years ago, her own mother had ruined her chance at happiness. How could she do that to Serena when she knew had badly it hurt? She cared about Rufus. As the days, which dragged into weeks, went on she found herself regretting her decision to let Rufus go once again. She had desperately hoped he would come after her, but he hadn't. The truth was no one knew her better than Rufus knew her. He saw right through her exterior. Something that was very refreshing. She liked to pretend she was different than she had been twenty years ago, but as much as she hated to admit it, she really wasn't. And Rufus knew that. That's what she found refreshing. After all these years of pretending she had changed, Rufus had called her out on it and made her realize she was the same. Older and a little more judgmental of the world, but she was still the same wild child she had been in her younger years. She was only herself when she was with Rufus though. With Rufus, there was no pretending. She was who she was and he accepted every bit of her. Now what was she supposed to do? Cleary he had moved on, when she hadn't. She acted as if she had with Bart. But she really hadn't gotten over Rufus yet. She craved him, as if he was a drug. Only the feeling when she was with him gave her a much better high than any drug she'd ever tried. She hated the feeling of jealously. She felt it with Allison and now she was jealous of Bex. And the thing that ate away at her was that she'd introduced them, kind of. Bex had been purchasing a painting for her. This whole thing just made Lily feel sick to her stomach. She wanted nothing more than to just forget about everything…which gave her the perfect motivation for order one shot after another.

Rufus had remembered Bex mentioning that her favorite movie was the notebook. Weeks ago he had happened to stumble upon a newspaper ad in the paper announcing that the local movie theatre would be showing the notebook. With that in mind, he had decided it would be perfect for a date night with Bex. So here they sat in the movie theatre. Bex had been very pleased to find out this is what he was doing, she had expressed it many times. He was glad he'd found the perfect thing to do with Bex, but as the movie went on he found himself regretting his decision. The movie was great, even if it was extremely girly. However, the fact that it was about a low-class boy falling in love with a high society gal, made him think of his relationship with Lily. And the fact that they had been torn apart by the girl, Ali's mother, made him cringe at the similarities between their great love affairs. It was making his heart ache a little bit. And it kept bringing his mind to the last encounter he'd had with Lily. It made him feel guilty that he hadn't gone after her, but he didn't feel like making her his priority when she only made him an option. It was more than likely that Bart was away on business and her kids were out and she wanted someone to keep her company. He looked over at Bex and saw the tears in her eyes at the couple falling a part and it made him laugh at her, to which she gave him a playful slap as the tears ran down her face. He smiled at her and decided he liked her a lot. She wasn't Lily, but that ship had sailed. He could certainly see himself with someone like Lily.


	3. Chapter 3

The movie ended and he and Bex decided to stop at a grill & bar for a little bite to eat. The dinner was delicious, but he still couldn't help seeing the sad look on Lily's face as she left the loft earlier that night. Bex excused herself to go to the bathroom and Rufus decided to give Lily a quick call. He pulled out his cell phone and began to call. As he heard the ringing, he heard Lily's ringtone going off. He glanced around searching for the source of the noise. There at the bar was Lily. As she searched through her over-sized Prada (frantically, Rufus noted), she lost her balance and landed flat on the floor. Before Rufus could make his way to help her up, a man came up to her and pulled her up. From what Rufus could see, Lily laughed as she said thank you to the man. Rufus took a step closer trying to decide if he should interfere or not. He wasn't sure if Lily was drunk.

The man had jet black hair and he began to speak once again to Lily.

"You know, you're a really pretty lady," he complimented.

"So I've been told," Lily replied with a giggle. That made Rufus smile. Lily conceit level was extremely high, which was had first attracted her to him. Her confidence was incredible and it always made him smile.

Lily lost her balance and this stranger helped steady her. But Rufus didn't miss the fact that he had grabbed her ass and grazed his hand on her breast. It made his anger rise, but he didn't do anything yet. He knew that Lily could handle herself. But as he took a closer look at her, he realized she couldn't handle herself. She was gone.

"How would you feel about coming home with me?" The man asked her. It was clear that he too was drunk. "I'd really enjoy seeing more of how pretty you are." Still Rufus didn't act; he was still debating if he should interfere.

'I—I don't think that's a very good idea," Lily stated.

"Why not?" The man asked.

"Because I'm drunk," Lily professed.

"So? So am I," the man replied taking a step closer to her, putting his hand on her shoulder. He then thrust his lips upon hers. She pushed at him to get away from her and to stop, but he didn't listen.

"Stop!" Lily said, as he grabbed her ass.

Ignoring her pleas, he pulled her close once more.

This was too much for Rufus. With one swift movement, he walked towards the man and punched him right in the jaw.

"Get the hell away from her!" Rufus said. Then he turned to Lily, "Come on. Let's get you home."

"Rufus, I can't go home. I don't want Serena or Eric to see me like this."

"Fine. I'll take care of it. Let me talk to Bex real quick."

He grabbed Lily's arm and dragged her over to where Bex was.

"Bex. I'm really sorry, but I just some guy trying to take advantage of her. It's probably best if I take her home. I'm sorry," Rufus said once he got back to the table.

"I understand," Bex said with a smile.

"I had an incredible time tonight. Would you like to do it again some time?"

"I'd love that." Once again she flashed a brilliant smile.


	4. Chapter 4

Rufus hauled them a cab and headed to a hotel room (twin beds). He didn't want to leave her all alone tonight. Clearly, she couldn't handle herself. He sat in the room as she sat on the bed, trying to make sense of her thoughts. She was beyond drunk right now. It was probably the worst she'd been in a long, long time.

"Thank you so much, Rufus," she said, her words slurring. "It's your fault though-that I'm drunk. You—I—I saw you with Bex and—why her, Rufus?"

"Lily, I'm not having this conversation with you when you're drunk. You can barely speak."

"I want you, Rufus. Right now," she got up and walked over to him and stared deep into his eyes and leaned forward to kiss him, but he dodged her.

"You're drunk, Lil."

"So what? That doesn't change the way I feel. I always feel this way about you. But I'm too sober to do anything about it."

He didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry, Rufus. I'm so, so sorry," she began crying, saying things he couldn't quite understand. She was mumbling and slurring and it was very hard.

It wasn't very long before she was passed out. Rufus placed her on the bed so she was comfortable and took a look at her. She was still beautiful, even after all these years. It was hard not to admit the feelings he still had for her, but he desperately wished he didn't feel anything for her. It was so hard to love somebody that never chose you. He was never her first choice. She always picked somebody else over him. Years ago it was William. Now it was Bart. Who would be next? How many beatings could someone take before they broke? He had always wanted to be with her. He wouldn't have admitted it, but even throughout his marriage he would find himself reminded of her. The one who got away. But she was just so confusing and never just told him how she felt. She let other people make her decisions and thought about everybody else except herself. It was too much for him. He didn't like being complicated. And Lily was a whole lot of complicated, but he couldn't deny these feelings he still had for her. Suddenly exhaustion overcame him and he climbed into the other bed and drifted to sleep.

The next morning, Lily awoke with a piercing headache. She groaned as she opened her eyes.

"Tough night, Lil?" Rufus asked, placing a cup of freshly brewed coffee in her hand as he sat up.

She groaned once more in response before taking a gulp of coffee.

"So I'm thinking you and I should talk?" Rufus asked, getting straight to the point.

"Right. Thank you for last night, Rufus. For saving me—"she trailed off.

"It's not the first time I've saved you," he pointed out.

She laughed as she took a short trip down memory lane.

"So why'd you visit me last night? But more importantly why'd you run away to a bar and get completely wasted?"

"Rufus, do we have to have this conversation now? My head is killing me and I really should get home. I've got to think of a reason I didn't come home last night…" her mind was already searching frantically for a possible explanation.

"Fine. I'll call you."

"Okay," she got up and grabbed her purse, "And thanks again, Rufus. God knows where I would've ended up last night if—well, if you hadn't been there."

"You know I'd never let anything happen to you."


	5. Chapter 5

It'd been days since he'd heard from her. He'd called her countless times. Left messages and she hadn't answered. He was slightly angry at her. This was the thanks he got from stopping her from getting hurt at the Bar & Grill. That's cool, he thought. He decided it was time to see her. He hauled a cab to her apartment at the Palace Hotel and knocked on her door.

Lily walked to the door with poise and grace, even though she felt like she was breaking.

"Rufus, what are you doing here?" She had been avoiding him for days now because she didn't want to have to admit that her life just wasn't complete without him. She knew that if she lied, he'd see right through her. So, she'd attempted to put this moment off as long as possible. She didn't want to admit why she'd gone to see him, but more importantly, she didn't want to admit to him why she'd been upset enough to get drunk.

"You haven't returned my calls," he said dryly.

"I've been really busy."

"Too busy for me, Lil?"

"My life doesn't revolve around you, Rufus."

"Clearly." The way in which he said that cut her like a thousand knives. She heard the hurt in his voice and it made her hurt.

"Rufus…"

"Maybe it was mistake to come here. Maybe you aren't worth talking to." He began to walk towards the door.

"Rufus, wait. I'm sorry. I just—I didn't know what to say to you."

He turned back around and looked at her. Really looked at her. He could tell that she had been crying for her eyes were slightly red and blotchy. She had obviously put make-up to cover it up, but he could still see it. Her eyes didn't have a sparkle in them. He realized that her arms were wrapped around her as if she was holding herself together. Honestly, it frightened him. He hated seeing his Lily hurt.

"Why did you come to see me last night?" Rufus asked once again, knowing this time she would answer.

"Because I missed you." Feeling as if she needed to further explain herself, she continued, "I miss consulting you on my life. I miss just talking to you. I miss calling you when I'm having what you call 'a Lily crisis. I miss your friendship, Rufus."

"I miss you too, Lil. But I wish you'd stop doing this to me."

"What do you mean, Rufus?"

"You tell me you miss me and that you want to work things out then you choose somebody else. All I am is a second option to you. I'm trying to move on, Lily. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't get in the way. Because, Lil, you aren't an easy person to get over. It took me years to forget about you, then you enter my life and—it's just really hard, Lil. Sure, I still love you and care about you, but honestly there's only so much someone who loves you can take before I have to let go because I'm at my breaking point," he was upset now.

"So we can't be friends?" Tears were in Lily's eyes now. She couldn't just quit him cold turkey. She needed him around even if it was only sporadically.

"I don't think I can be friends with you, Lil. Not for a while, at least."

She took a deep breath in. She understood why he was saying these things, but that didn't make it hurt any less. "When did things get so complicated, Rufus?"

"I don't know, Lil. I don't know."

"Things used to be so much easier."

"I know. Why was that?"

"Because I had you," Lily said, her breath catching in her throat.

And suddenly Rufus couldn't stop himself. He leaned forward and his lips crashed on hers. Everything was forgotten. Their children. Bart. Bex. Nothing else mattered at this moment, except each other. The truth was the fire of passion between them had never gone out. It had just been dimmed for a while. All it had needed was a little rekindling and firewood to be added. Soon there kiss grew into pure and utter ardor and the kisses began trailing to the neck and before they knew it they had stumbled into the bedroom.

Unbeknownst to both, Lily and Rufus, Eric had witnessed the entire thing. Now, he was torn. Should he tell Serena? Or should he confront his mother? Great, another thing for him to worry about.


	6. Chapter 6

Lily and Rufus were heatedly making out in Lily suite on her bed. Lily lay back on her bed and Rufus unbuttoned her blouse and kiss her neck tenderly. She reached up to remove his shirt and ran her hands down his muscled chest, before reaching down to undo his pants, when Rufus pulled away.

"Lily, wait. We can't do this."

"Right," she turned her face, so she didn't have to look at him because she knew he was completely right.

"Lil, I don't want to sleep with you and then walk away. It would only hurt ourselves in the long run, anyway."

"As much as I hate to admit it, you're right. I guess we were just caught in the heat of the moment. I am hard to resist," Lily said, a smirk playing on her face

"I think you've got that backwards. I'm the irresistible one," Rufus replied with a smile on his face.

"You wish."

He got up to leave, but before he could say anything Lily spoke.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" He didn't know what she was referring to.

"For everything. For not being able to be what you need me to. For not being able to make you happy. For choosing him over you, twice. For not coming after you after I let you go."

"Lily-,"he didn't know how to respond to that, "It's ok."

He touched her cheek. It sent tingles down her spine. She just wanted to grab him and kiss him, but she knew it was wrong.

"Well, I should probably go, Lil."

"Yeah. I'll uhm...see you later Rufus."

"Bye."

He got up and left. Leaving two people heartbroken; all alone to wallow in their tear.

Too bad Eric didn't stick around to figure out that Lily and Rufus decided they were better off apart for their families' sake.


	7. Chapter 7

Before Lily knew it, Serena had come home from her date with Dan and she had once again gotten into the same argument they always had. The "why the hell are you marrying Bart Bass?" argument.

"I can't even begin to fathom, why, of all the millionaires you could marry you have to choose Chuck Bass's father!"

"Serena, it really isn't any of your concern. I'm at perfect liberty to marry whomever I'd like."

"But it's not even as if you love him! Seriously mom, that makes you no better than a whore. Why are you marrying him for his money?"

"What in the world makes you think I don't love him?"

"All he is another notch in your lipstick case. A number: number four. You marry men because you're bored then you divorce them, leaving Eric and I with a stability level of zero. Do you even understand what love is because I really don't think you do?" Serena's voice was raised now. The lobby could probably hear her.

"Serena, I'm very sorry you aren't happy about the choices I've made. I'm sorry that you don't want to be Chuck's stepsister, but that's your problem. You made your decision." Shit, she hadn't wanted to bring that conversation up because it hurt like hell.

"I made my decision? Are you serious, Mom? What did you expect me to do? Break up with Dan there's a slight possibility that you love Rufus. Yeah right. You wouldn't know love if it hit you in the face."

"I don't want to discuss this anymore, Serena." It hurt too much.

"Whatever," Serena replied as she stalked out of the door.

Lily sat on the couch, her hand instantly fluttering to her throat. Usually this was her nervous habit, but right now she was just attempting to prevent the tears from falling. She hated fighting with Serena, but why did her daughter have to make this ten times more difficult for her? It was bad enough that Lily couldn't be with Rufus upon her daughter's request. Did Serena really have to say how terrible it was that Lily was marrying Bart? Bart wasn't a bad person. He tried with Serena and Eric. He'd even spent Christmas with them all. She did love him, in a way. Sure, it wasn't as passionate as her love for Rufus, but she still did have affection for him.

Just then, Eric entered the room, putting Lily's thoughts on hold.

"Hi, Mom," he greeted, "is something the matter?" He could tell she wasn't very happy.

"No. Everything's fine. Just a little disagreement with Serena…" she forced a chuckle.

"I should've known. Speaking of Serena, I need your advice involving her."

"My darling, what's the matter?"

"I know something that Serena should probably know, but it'll probably cause a lot of drama and a lot of hurt. Do you think I should tell her?"

"I'm assuming you can't tell me what's going on?"

He shook his head.

"Alright. Well, she's your sister. You should tell her. Secrets aren't ever good things to hold onto, anyway."

"Okay. Thank you, Mom."

"Anytime, dear," she replied as he grabbed his jacket and walked out the door to find Serena.

_Knock Knock. _

I wonder who's at the door, thought Lily. She slowly got up from the couch, quickly wiped her face free of tears and opened it.

"Bart?" Lily said. She, if truth be told, looked a little disappointed.

"Yes, it's me Lily." He gave her a kiss, right smack on the lips.

She kissed him back coldly though.

"I thought you weren't coming back until next week?" she said brightening up slightly.

"I wasn't. I missed you though,"

He really was a great guy. She just didn't love him. All she had been thinking about while he was away was Rufus.

"I missed you too."

Lily Van der Woodsen wanted to scream. She wished she could be with Rufus. She was stuck. Emotions flowed through her and suddenly the tears came.

"Lily, what's the matter?" asked Bart worriedly.

"Nothing. I just...need to be alone for a little bit." She continued, tears trickling down her face.

She ran into her bedroom hurriedly to get away.


	8. Chapter 8

As she sat in the cab on her way to see Dan to discuss the bombshell her brother had just dropped, she replayed Eric's words in her head.

_"They were talking all right, about hurting each other and being sorry and then they, gag me, kissed. And headed towards Mom's room. I had to get out of there. I already had a disgusting picture in my head."_

So now what was she supposed to do? She had enough issues with her mother. How could her mom do this to her? To Bart, whom less than an hour ago she'd claimed to love? Serena knew her mother was a lot of things, but never had she thought her mother would be capable of this. Serena had specifically asked her mother to stay away from Rufus for Serena and Dan's sake. How could this be happening?

Serena got out of the cab only to see her mother heading into the Humphrey building. Serena was unsure of how to react. First, she stood rooted to the spot in complete shock. Second, she had an intense urge to scream. Last, she collected her wits and followed behind her mother by only mere minutes. But before she could do anything, her curiously over took her and she listened into her mother and Rufus's conversation.

"Are you're kid's home?" Lily asked glancing around the room, desperately hoping they were. She took his silence for a no and stepped inside. "Can we please talk?"

"Okay, well, have a seat. Do you want a drink?" Rufus asked politely, grabbing his drink to brace himself for whatever Lily was going to say.

"No thanks," she said, crossing over to the couch, as he followed suit.

"So, what's on your mind, Lil?"

"What's not on my mind? I know you and I made the decision that it was better if we didn't see each other anymore, but I can't allow myself to let this happen again. The last time I let you go and I'm not about to do it again, not without a fight. I'm having a really terrible day and I need you, Rufus. I need someone to talk to and nobody knows me better than you do. I don't have anybody, Rufus. My children, I've screwed up countless amounts of times with them. Serena fled New York to go to boarding school, but not before she developed the reputation of party girl. I'm proud of how she is now, but that still doesn't excuse me for not being there for her. And Eric—oh, Eric! He tried to commit suicide because I wasn't there for him and that hurts. I try not to let it, but every so often it cuts me deeper than anything else. I feel like a failure. I've been divorced three times already. I know it's not five or six or anything, but it's still more three more than I would have liked. I just—Bart: he's great. He's perfect in every single capacity for me. But, he's just—I don't know. I love him, I do. I swear. I do feel some affection for him, it's just—not very strong. It's comfortable with him. I can be happy with him, I suppose. But I know it'll be another divorce. A number: that's what Serena said he was. 'Another notch in my lipstick case'. We got into an argument and she told me I wasn't capable of loving anyone or anything and it just got me to thinking maybe she's right. I mean sure, I loved you, but I just destroyed that. I self destruct. I ruin anything good I ever have. I just can't take it anymore. I'm hanging on a loose thread that's about to break and I don't think I have what it takes to hold on anymore. My entire life I've been taught to hide my emotions, but my life isn't perfect. I know nobody's is, but I'm not happy. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore," she took a deep breath in, before allowing the built up tears to escape. That's when Rufus pulled her and held her. She placed her head on his white shirt, his shirt being streaked with mascara. He consoled her with murmurs and whispers of "it's okay's".

After minutes that seemed like hours passed Lily had calmed down and began to speak once more. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say all that. That's not why I came here. What I actually came here to tell you is—well, that I want you in my life, Rufus. Even if you're just my friend. I don't want to loose you again, Rufus. I know that we can't be together for Dan and Serena's sake, but I don't want to be bitter enemies and I certainly don't want you to hate me."

"I don't hate you, Lil. As much as I'd like to sometimes, I could never hate you."

Serena stood rooted to the spot, instantly wishing she hadn't decided to eavesdrop on her mother and Rufus. Now she didn't know what to do? She hadn't for event a jiffy considered the fact that Lily could genuinely feel anything for Rufus. Now she was torn. Whose heart would it be? Hers or her mothers? One of them had to be broken.


End file.
